Utopia S5 E7 recap: So many system errors

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Spoiler alert for those who enjoy Utopia, or enjoy being triggered by it, here’s a run down of the eerie art imitating life in the public service for season five’s ep seven.

Three storylines make this episode, with an email phishing scam creating a full-scale cybersecurity incident at the National Building Authority (NBA), a nightmare new starter named Abbey who’s more hindrance than help, and an inconvenient inquiry deadline that’s crept up on the government and has been left for the public servants to address at the 11th hour.

The notoriously unhelpful employee

Let’s start first with scatterbrain Abbey, a forgetful Gen Z hire who makes it clear that any expectation she commits notes to paper is a matter of generational preference rather than basic best practice. She mocks the quaint phrase ‘jot that down’ as an old saying and conveniently overlooks the feedback her forgetfulness is a sign of diligence left wanting. Her abject laziness, eye-watering self-regard and nonplus approach is so brazen that the username and password she has chosen for all devices (including the office printer) is ‘Abbey’.

Abbey goes to impossible lengths to do the bare minimum. She presents to Nat, her direct report, research about venues for a forthcoming conference by flashing promotional video clips to her boss across the table from her phone screen. Urgent reminders to call the minister’s office are a passing mention in her rambling list of endless, barely relevant information. That is, if she can remember what the hell she needed to share. Conversations are often derailed by online shopping and Instagram distractions, and she is totally resistant to any constructive feedback or criticism.

Abbey’s curse is that she believes and behaves as though she is genuinely helpful. She’s not and she has to go. After a 30-second dance around how to describe this annoying new starter in polite terms, Nat and NBA boss Tony reach a consensus that Abbey is useless after only three weeks on the job.

After a painful exchange with Nat, where Abbey shares the completely deluded view that her performance is “8/10 with some room for improvement”, Beverly from HR enters to recommend expanding the dud employee’s role. Among Abbey’s requests to help lift her performance are more options to work from home and permission to bring a support dog into the office. Nat is sceptical about the motives of having a pup in the office and has a hunch it’s for the purpose of populating Abbey’s Instagram grid with cute animal pics.

Thankfully, Abbey transitions to another job before her incompetence causes any more concern at the NBA — but not before the team unwittingly shares their electronic signatures in a suspect ‘e-Kard’, which they twig might not be legitimate a moment too late.

Crypto ransoms, disabled wifi, and cybersecurity renders all technology dangerous

Abbey’s mindless email-clicking antics have caused cybersecurity mayhem at the NBA and a hacker’s demands to pay a ransom in cryptocurrency has the entire email system overhauled, computers given the tech equivalent of a disinfectant, and an IT guy named Ravi deployed to help lift the security standards of the team.

Everyone from security to the office receptionist is being drilled on cyber hygiene, starting first with a purge of all passwords on post-it notes and a reconfiguration of the security codes used to enter the carpark. Just to be safe, the internet is switched off for a while, driving scores of public servants into the downstairs cafe and scurrying back and forth from the venue with free internet access to send important emails that keep the wheels of bureaucracy running.

Two-factor authentication is rolled-out across the group, and the acronym STARD — Stop, Think, Ask, Reject, Delete — becomes a mantra for online correspondence. But the principles for safe emailing also filter critical comms from state premiers and the federal treasurer — apparently the content of their messages are littered with credibility red flags too.

Tony’s inbox is now full of Qantas promotional sale emails only. Everything else is being directed to spam.

Hide! An inconvenient inquiry reaches some key milestones

Speaking of things like planes, infrastructure and heavy vehicles, the transport minister has got his minders sussing Tony’s team out for the next stages of a report he endorsed two years ago but has done nothing to progress since.

But what do you do when your minister lost interest in their own ‘blueprint for the future’?

Several meetings with Rhonda and Jim lead to an interdepartmental taskforce that sees various official government stakeholders making all sorts of disparaging remarks about the 35 recommendations of the transport and freight inquiry. The problem remains: a committee wants to hear a progress report on this ministerially-backed blueprint for the future very soon.

Tony is caught in the crosshairs as he fights to ensure the innovative thinking of the review, which, in his view, deserves to be taken seriously, and should not be spun into a failure his agency has to wear.

The team discusses what it will take to stretch the timeline and create a more protracted and, for them, realistic delivery target date. Language options are watered down so that the recommendations go from being ‘adopted’, to ‘embraced’, and the NBA works out what resolutions are mere talking points or tangible action items.

“Are we rushing it?,” Jim asks in earnest, before reminding Tony that Rome wasn’t built in a day.

In sheer frustration, Tony throws his hands in the air and starts ranting about the predictable next stages a cynical government will take. He complains about the deliberate efforts to delay, reconsider, review, and undermine outcomes that might actually make a positive contribution to Australian society, and the Rhonda-Jim duo start taking notes with a glint in their opportunistic eyes.

In the spirit of eventually doing something one day, the minister fronts the launch of a future-looking initiative, FFATA — Future Freight and Rail Transport Australia — complete with cute hats and something to announce to the press pack. Smile for the camera, Tony!